


averting eyes

by crytalstellar



Series: selective vision [1]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, F/M, introspective, lol, not related to s p a c e s, poor saeran, unrequited feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 09:02:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7928788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crytalstellar/pseuds/crytalstellar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>life is simply unfair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	averting eyes

**Author's Note:**

> this hurt to write, cuz like, i really love both brothers, and for a while i avoided writing this because i knew how it would all pan out, ahaha. but it is one of my favorite pieces, LOL.

When people talk about ‘life’ they often akin it to a game. Something to be won. Something to be lost. Something where the stakes are high and the wrong decision at the wrong time can cost you everything. It’s a game where the factors of your fate are not just the sum of your skills and the sheer force of will. It’s a game where sometimes the outcome’s only determinant is pure luck.

But, if there’s anything that Saeran Choi knows, it’s that life does not play fair.

Looking back, he’s been dealt nothing but bad hands and shit rolls for no good reason. The only thing Saeran had ever done in this world of his own volition was hope. He had hoped to escape his mother’s evil clutches with Saeyoung. He had hoped that Saeyoung would never leave him. He had hoped that the Savior and Mint Eye would lead him to happiness. But those hopes led to nothing and clearly that was reason enough to have the entire game rigged against him. With the odds stacked so high against him, he couldn’t help but wonder if it were better to just forfeit and let life win.

At least, that’s what he thought.

He had, begrudgingly, found hope in the devil. The Savior had painted Luciel… no, Saeyoung as a cruel demon from Saeran’s past. He saw him as a haunting menace who only served as a reminder of everything Saeran hated in life. Saeran couldn’t stand the sight of him, so he never hesitated to spew hateful words at Saeyoung to make him leave, to prove that the Savior was right all along. But deep down, Saeran could feel something strange and primal tearing up his insides whenever he saw that broken and rejected look in his eyes. He recognized that feeling and it made him angry- how could he, after all Saeyoung had done, feel hurt from seeing Saeyoung in pain. Maybe it was true, maybe they really were connected.

And maybe that was why, when Saeyoung had stopped him that day, Saeran believed that he looked more like the positive and hopeful angel of his childhood rather than the devil Rika had painted out. Saeyoung had threw in his lot at the last second and the odds shifted to just slightly being in Saeran’s favor. So Saeran told himself he could trust this devil, at least a little bit.

After that, as Saeyoung promised all those years ago, things did get better in a sense. Everything was more… relaxed. It was strange. Saeran met the RFA members, who he’d heard about and seen in pictures. And they were… kind. He could understand why Saeyoung loved these people as much as he did. They accepted him despite what he had done. They joked with him despite his fledging attempts to joke back. It reminded him of when he first met the Savior. But they didn’t ask about her, or Mint Eye or anything. He knew they were curious- they had to be. He later discovered that Saeyoung had asked that they spare him the questions, something Saeran was grateful for although he refused to admit it.

Finally, Saeran had found a way to beat the system and lead a semblance of a happy life.

For the most part.

There was still one thing, one person making waves in the ‘normal’ life that Saeran had finally managed to achieve.

It was the person he’d picked to destroy the RFA from the inside out.

It was you.

Saeyoung aside, of all the RFA members, the one who had been most affected by Saeran’s actions was you. It was all under the Savior’s orders, but he’d forced you into their organization, essentially ripping you from your own daily life and even threatened your life. There was a part of him that expected you to hate him for all he had done. But you didn’t. You were as kind to him as the rest of the RFA members, if not kinder.

It drove him crazy.

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fair that you had to be Saeyoung’s.

If the whole notion of ‘the first guy wins’ was true then shouldn’t he have been the one? He’d combed through social media profiles looking for looking for the perfect person to achieve Mint Eye’s goals. The second he laid eyes on you, he knew there was something about you… was it the way your eyes glimmered? Or it the curve of your smile? He didn’t know, but what he did know was that there were no other options. It had to be you. And luckily, his decision had been approved and you had been chosen.

Before Saeyoung had even known you had existed, Saeran knew nearly everything about you: family history, education, hobbies, favorite foods, personality traits. He even talked to you first.  For all intents and purposes, you should have been his.

But you weren’t.

 

* * *

 

“Oh, hi Saeran.”

He freezes in place. He shouldn’t be surprised to hear your voice since he hears it often. You do come to visit Saeyoung nearly every day, and since they live together he usually sees you as well. At least he does when he’s not burrowing himself in his room. But this is the kitchen, and not his room so of course there’s a chance that you’ll run into one another here. He turns around almost mechanically, “…hi.”

You blink and he can see the recognition of his robotic movements in your eyes. But, as he expects, you say nothing and smile gently at him. Saeran looks past you for Saeyoung, but his brother is nowhere to be found. You appear to catch on to what he’s seeking and say, “Saeyoung went out to buy some stuff, he said he’ll be back in a little bit.”

“Alone?” How strange. Saeyoung never missed a chance to be alone with you, especially since Saeran had developed a little habit of interrupting your couple time from time to time. He’d toned it down ever since the one time he’d interrupted when the two of you weren’t exactly kissing. Suddenly, he’s hit with the memory of Saeyoung dipping down to spray your neck with kisses as he slips your blouse off your shoulders. Your face scrunches a little, your bottom lip quivering as if you’re trying not to-

“Saeran?”

He jumps. “Yeah? What?”

You tilt your head to the side and he wonders if you know how cute you look doing that.  “Did you… hear me?”

“Uh…no…” he admits shyly. Of course he’s not going to tell you what was going through his head when you were talking. No one needs to know that the image of your exposed skin is still fresh in his mind. Especially not you.

Saeran is aware that you know about his ‘spacey moments’ when he just stops paying attention and so you patiently repeat what you had told him while he was stuck in his own mind, “I said that Saeyoung had asked me to go with him, but I turned him down saying that you and I should probably spend some time together since we’ll all be family soon enough.”

That’s right.

You and Saeyoung were engaged.

It wasn’t as if he’d forgotten, there was no way that he could when Saeyoung was constantly referring to you as his fiance. Even Saeran thought it was a bit sudden, but he understood that Saeyoung was afraid you’d leave. He understood better than anyone. If it were Saeran, he likely would have done the same thing.

But he never got that chance.

Wait a second.

Did you just say you both were alone? Together?

He watches you as you slip past him to grab something from the fridge. All of a sudden, he’s nervous. He’s never been alone with you before. There’s never been any reason to, besides, he’s got a sneaking suspicion that despite his best efforts to bottle up and hide his feelings, Saeyoung has at least an inkling of how Saeran feels toward you.

It’s not love, he always tells himself, nor is it it attraction. Unfortunately, he hasn’t found any replacement words to describe what exactly he feels. He doesn’t search either. It’s uncharted territory and Saeran feels that it’s for the better that it remains that way.

He doesn’t want to do anything that might potentially destroy the happiness he’s finally found.

But at the same time, he can’t quite deny the rapid pitter-patter in his chest that occurs every time you smile at him. He can’t really disregard the way his breath catches in his throat when you say his name. And he can’t simply dismiss the way his insides clench whenever he sees Saeyoung lean in to kiss you.

But, as he already knows, life is simply unfair.

“So, how are things?” you voice is suddenly in his ear and Saeran almost swears that he can feel his heart jump right out his chest. He whips his head in the direction of your voice. At some point, you’d moved so you were standing side by side at the kitchen counter. You’re not looking at him, though, instead your attention is on the drink you’re stirring. “Is.. everything okay?”

The thought of telling you the truth floats around in his head, but he dismisses it, knowing that it’ll cause more problems than solve. “Yeah…”

“Really?”

Don’t ask that. He suppresses the words with a small smile. “Yes… there are times… when it’s a little hard… but Saeyoung helps me through it.”

It’s true. Saeran can’t count the number of times he’s woken up from a nightmare only to find Saeyoung cuddling up to him in bed. Nor can he count the number of times that he’s had a breakdown in the middle of doing something and Saeyoung dropped everything to help him get through it. He can’t quantify the love and affection that Saeyoung would shower him with. But he won’t lie and say that the dark thoughts were completely silenced, but they were, at least, muted, even just a bit.

You smile, “That’s good at least.”

“And… and you… you help too.”

You stop stirring and look up at Saeran, the confusion apparent in your eyes. “Me?”

“Yeah… Even though, I… I tried to kill you, you’re just so kind and forgiving… And… ”

“…and?” He can hear the hesitation in your voice loud and clear.

“And that’s why… I…” Saeran stops as he realizes what’s going on. At some point he’d begun to reach for you, and his fingers are mere millimeters from touching your cheek. The words are dancing at the tip of his tongue, aching to be heard. But Saeran knows, he knows that once those words leave his mouth, there’s no going back. He knows that those words have the potential to destroy everything he’s rebuilt so far.

You tilt your head to the side again and it’s maddening how cute you look. He understands fully why Saeyoung’s always so eager to kiss you. How could he resist with you looking so damn adorable?  If he were Saeyoung, his lips would already be on yours, but…

“Saeran…?”

He hates how the way you say his name sends shivers up and down his spine. He hates the gnawing at the pit of his stomach that’s telling him to just kiss you. Even if it’s just this once. Even if your lips are as soft and sweet and warm as they look right now. Even if it’s not fair to you, to him or to Saeyoung. It takes every fiber in his body to keep him from leaning in, to keep him from stealing a kiss.

“Honey~ I’m home~” a third voice calls from outside the kitchen. Saeran can’t think of the last time he’d been so relieved to hear Saeyoung’s voice. He takes a deep breath and pushes everything he’s thought and felt within the last couple minutes into the back of his mind. You belong to Saeyoung. He knows that. But if he had-

No.

He can’t.

He can’t let himself think about the what-ifs.

“Oh, here you are!” Saeyoung’s voice drifts in from the kitchen entryway. “What are you two up to~?”

Saeran sees you shoot a quick, worried look in his direction before redirecting your gaze at Saeyoung. “Just talking.”

“Oh?” Saeyoung walks past Saeran and plants a quick kiss on your cheek. Inside, despite his efforts to keep it contained, Saeran can feel a storm of emotions churning as his stomach twists at the sight of the kiss.

To his relief, you swat at Saeyoung, your face red as he attempts to go for another kiss. Saeran is not sure if you’re doing it because he appears uncomfortable watching the kiss or if you’re uncomfortable knowing that he’s watching. But either way, he’s glad for it.

Saeyoung, on the other hand, is not. He puckers his lips in a pout.

“Not with Saeran here…” you tell Saeyoung in a reprimanding voice.

“I’m sure he won’t mind one little smooch… “ Saeyoung whines, glancing at Saeran with his puppy dog eyes.

Saeran frowns and vaguely thinks that if it were him saying those words then Saeyoung would definitely mind. It’s then that Saeran’s mind goes into autopilot. He crosses his arms and turns his back on you and Saeyoung. “If you guys are gonna be all lovey-dovey in here- I’m leaving.”

Then, as he said he would, Saeran walks out the kitchen entry. Once he’s sure that he’s out of sight, he races off to his room. When he gets there, his legs give out on him and he slides to the floor. His chest aches. He knows it’s because he wishes it was him. He wishes he could kiss you and hold you.

He wishes you were his.

But you’re not.


End file.
